Be a SAHM??? - The Series - Relationship Factors

So regardless of if you do decide to stay at home-in either decision the relationship with your partner will change!  This can be for better or for worse.  There is no doubt that adding a new little one to your home will not only change some of your views on life-but also in your marriage.

Look at your situation now.  Are you and your spouse able to spend good quality time with each other in a way that meets both of your needs?  If you do not have this healthy area now-then it is going to be even more difficult for you to build this in a healthy capacity after your new baby arrives.  

Although the rewards for staying at home are great, it can also lead to the fast track of marriage issues.  After working with your new one all day with crying, spit up, diaper changes, hair pulling, etc.  The last thing you may want is someone ELSE pawing all over you.  In fact, your need for alone time may increase from what it was before because being at home all day is so intense.  Your new bundle of joy is now the center of your world and without paying attention-you can easily put your spouse at the very bottom rung of your to do list.  However a relationship has many different areas that need to be nurtured and trying to find yourself accessible for intimate time with your spouse will be something that may have to be worked on now.  This could be a new area for you and your spouse to be in-and if you aren’t careful-hurt feelings along with stress will cause a divide between the two of you.

Resentment can also find its way quickly into the relationship.  You could find yourself wishing it was a role reversal-he stay at home all day and you go work and fill his shoes.  The fact that he gets to constantly interact with people, able to carry discussions OTHER than about baby and have the alone drive time to and from work-can at times be exactly what you need.  The fact that he does it every day can quickly have you re-thinking what you are doing and if it is really in your best interest to be home.  As your husband talks about an achievement that he has made with his job-you may find yourself instantly thinking to yourself that just because there isn’t a reward for you cleaning up the carpets after a food dump on the floor, or emptying the diaper genie so the house doesn’t smell-that what you do is just as important.  It has the potential to build up and having a barrier between you and your spouse.  Even if your spouse doesn’t say or express anything that would lead you to believe that he thinks that you just sit around all day-once you are feeling like you need to justify what you are doing-you may need to switch course.

I remember after we brought the baby home-I would instantly get charged up and angry over the smallest things.  A big part of that was hormones-but the other part was I didn’t know what I was doing.  I was just trying to figure out to the best of my ability as I went along.  The fact that he would ask me countless questions on how to do things when I was exhausted and really just needed him to DO IT ALREADY! Caused me to find myself really angry.  I know that I blew up numerous times or would get into the silent mad (don’t talk to me right now because I think you’re an idiot mode).  I had to REMIND myself that he was new at this too and the bonding for him didn’t start until AFTER the baby arrived.

Communication is going to be the biggest item.  This is already important enough, but the need for good communication is going to be crucial now.  As I mentioned in the posting about finances-keeping my hubby informed at all times of our bottom line is an expectation and he needs to know where things are at.  It can’t just be “it’s fine” it needs to be a discussion.  If you had a rough day with baby, give him a heads up BEFORE he gets home that you need a little relief.  He may expect you to get certain things done during the day and won’t understand why they weren’t done-or why dinner wasn’t ready.  If you guys can talk about this it will make for better chances of a fight not happening.  You need to be ready for that while you are at home and your baby does a milestone and you quickly dial your hubby-that he just may not be available or may not sound very excited.  It doesn’t mean that he isn’t just as excited as you are-it just means he is with a client or doing something that he can’t pull his attention away from at that particular moment.  It can be easy to immediately get fired up and it is going to be up to you to understand that he does care-he is just trying to bring home the money!

I have to also add into this post family members.  Your family and your husband’s family are all going to have view points on how you should be raising your child.  Make no mistake about it.  The new mom is going to suck all of this up and feel pressured.  There could be resentment from your husband to your family or you to his.  TALK about this.  Everyone feels like they need to speak for your child since they can’t speak for themselves.  You are now officially a family of your own.  Boundaries need to be set when it comes to family members and you both need to agree to this.  If you don’t-it will put one or both of you in a situation where the old resentment word comes back up.

So the long and short on this post is that when deciding if you should stay at home or not-take a good look at the relationship that you have now with your partner.  The two of you should sit down and talk about expectations, etc and have a good understanding of what your new roles will be.

Some things that we have done that have really helped in us adjusting to me staying at home is this:

• We have a movie night every Friday night once Baby Bella turned 4 months old.  It is a way for us to reconnect and we look forward to that little bit of time just the two of us.

• My husband calls me on his way home and I take this time to let him know if it has been “one of those days”.  This way he knows that when he gets home I am going to need a little ME time by either taking a walk or going to the store to get something on the to do list.  As soon as he hits the door he takes over for a little bit to help me out and let me get a re-charge.

• I keep a play list of things to do with the baby so he can easily see what we have or have not done that day and can find an item that he wants to do – without needing to ask me.  I also keep a food chart so that he knows where she is on the food schedule and he can just feed her without questions.

• We keep a list of things that is going on that week.  Since my husband has evening school that he does I let him know in advance if I need to work on a blog posting, sewing, shop needs so that we can alternate nights to make sure that everything gets done when it needs to.

• We talk about important items when she goes to sleep.  This way we are not interrupted in our discussion and have some time to really dig on the issues that we need to and make whatever decisions we need to.

Remember a healthy home is the most important thing for your child.  Which means you need a healthy relationship with your spouse.  Will you have a better relationship if you work than stay at home?  Or will it be better if you stay at home and don't work?  Only the two of you will have the answer to this.

If you missed the previous posts from this series you can check them out below:

Be a SAHM??? - The Series - Is it a choice?
Be a SAHM??? - The Series - Guilt by association
Be a SAHM??? - The Series - The Financials
Be a SAHM??? - The Series - The Everyday