Time for a break

Hey everyone,


I wanted you to know that I will be taking a 1-2 week break from blogging.  As it turns out-there are some changes that need to be made with both the side business that I need to do and the clothing line that I want to get started.  My husband is starting his final semester for his Master's program with school (yeah hubby!) and will need to travel out of town.


I appreciate all of you that have taken the time to read these posts and your wonderful feedback.  As I am going through a transitioning phase-I thought that this would be a good time to get a poll together to find out what type of blogs are most useful to you, so that when I come back-I can be ready to go!!!!


Thank you all-and I will talk to you soon-
You can find the poll at the bottom of this post.  If you select other-please leave a comment about the type of posts that you like to read from me!!  Thanks so much!

Be A SAHM??? - The Series - Quiz!

So over this series we have covered some really important things to think about when trying to decide if you want to be a SAHM-and if you are a SAHM-what type will you be?  Will you be at home with a flex schedule?  Work from home?  Or will you not work at all and your new job will be entirely your household and raising your little one?

Having a child is such an incredible process that you go through.  It amazes me still to this day when I look at Bella Baby and think “I can’t believe that she was growing inside of me-this little person!”  Being a mother is an amazing journey-no matter which decision you make on the SAHM front-you have made the biggest decision of all-and that is to be a mother that is providing for the welfare of her child!

So after reading through the series are you still on the fence with your decision?  Or do you already know what you want to do?  Remember-nothing is ever set in stone and it may take some time for you to figure out what your new role is.  This is totally normal for you to have your good and bad days-and indecisiveness.  Remember, as long as you are doing what is best for YOUR family-that is all that matters!!!!  Don’t let anyone ever tell you any differently!

So I thought that I would post a few links to quizzes on if you think you should be a SAHM.  I hope that you all enjoyed reading the series!  It took a little longer than what I would have liked to get done-but I am excited that I have some new content coming to the site soon!

Quiz from Just for Mom

This is my outcome on the quiz:

46%  You are Stay-at-Home Ready

38%  Weigh Your Options

15%  Back to Work is Your Best Bet

53% of users are like you

Quiz from Parents.com

 

This particular quiz from parents.com scored that I should consider part time work.

I hope you have fun with the quizzes!

Be a SAHM??? - The Series - Relationship Factors

So regardless of if you do decide to stay at home-in either decision the relationship with your partner will change!  This can be for better or for worse.  There is no doubt that adding a new little one to your home will not only change some of your views on life-but also in your marriage.

Look at your situation now.  Are you and your spouse able to spend good quality time with each other in a way that meets both of your needs?  If you do not have this healthy area now-then it is going to be even more difficult for you to build this in a healthy capacity after your new baby arrives.  

Although the rewards for staying at home are great, it can also lead to the fast track of marriage issues.  After working with your new one all day with crying, spit up, diaper changes, hair pulling, etc.  The last thing you may want is someone ELSE pawing all over you.  In fact, your need for alone time may increase from what it was before because being at home all day is so intense.  Your new bundle of joy is now the center of your world and without paying attention-you can easily put your spouse at the very bottom rung of your to do list.  However a relationship has many different areas that need to be nurtured and trying to find yourself accessible for intimate time with your spouse will be something that may have to be worked on now.  This could be a new area for you and your spouse to be in-and if you aren’t careful-hurt feelings along with stress will cause a divide between the two of you.

Resentment can also find its way quickly into the relationship.  You could find yourself wishing it was a role reversal-he stay at home all day and you go work and fill his shoes.  The fact that he gets to constantly interact with people, able to carry discussions OTHER than about baby and have the alone drive time to and from work-can at times be exactly what you need.  The fact that he does it every day can quickly have you re-thinking what you are doing and if it is really in your best interest to be home.  As your husband talks about an achievement that he has made with his job-you may find yourself instantly thinking to yourself that just because there isn’t a reward for you cleaning up the carpets after a food dump on the floor, or emptying the diaper genie so the house doesn’t smell-that what you do is just as important.  It has the potential to build up and having a barrier between you and your spouse.  Even if your spouse doesn’t say or express anything that would lead you to believe that he thinks that you just sit around all day-once you are feeling like you need to justify what you are doing-you may need to switch course.

I remember after we brought the baby home-I would instantly get charged up and angry over the smallest things.  A big part of that was hormones-but the other part was I didn’t know what I was doing.  I was just trying to figure out to the best of my ability as I went along.  The fact that he would ask me countless questions on how to do things when I was exhausted and really just needed him to DO IT ALREADY! Caused me to find myself really angry.  I know that I blew up numerous times or would get into the silent mad (don’t talk to me right now because I think you’re an idiot mode).  I had to REMIND myself that he was new at this too and the bonding for him didn’t start until AFTER the baby arrived.

Communication is going to be the biggest item.  This is already important enough, but the need for good communication is going to be crucial now.  As I mentioned in the posting about finances-keeping my hubby informed at all times of our bottom line is an expectation and he needs to know where things are at.  It can’t just be “it’s fine” it needs to be a discussion.  If you had a rough day with baby, give him a heads up BEFORE he gets home that you need a little relief.  He may expect you to get certain things done during the day and won’t understand why they weren’t done-or why dinner wasn’t ready.  If you guys can talk about this it will make for better chances of a fight not happening.  You need to be ready for that while you are at home and your baby does a milestone and you quickly dial your hubby-that he just may not be available or may not sound very excited.  It doesn’t mean that he isn’t just as excited as you are-it just means he is with a client or doing something that he can’t pull his attention away from at that particular moment.  It can be easy to immediately get fired up and it is going to be up to you to understand that he does care-he is just trying to bring home the money!

I have to also add into this post family members.  Your family and your husband’s family are all going to have view points on how you should be raising your child.  Make no mistake about it.  The new mom is going to suck all of this up and feel pressured.  There could be resentment from your husband to your family or you to his.  TALK about this.  Everyone feels like they need to speak for your child since they can’t speak for themselves.  You are now officially a family of your own.  Boundaries need to be set when it comes to family members and you both need to agree to this.  If you don’t-it will put one or both of you in a situation where the old resentment word comes back up.

So the long and short on this post is that when deciding if you should stay at home or not-take a good look at the relationship that you have now with your partner.  The two of you should sit down and talk about expectations, etc and have a good understanding of what your new roles will be.

Some things that we have done that have really helped in us adjusting to me staying at home is this:

• We have a movie night every Friday night once Baby Bella turned 4 months old.  It is a way for us to reconnect and we look forward to that little bit of time just the two of us.

• My husband calls me on his way home and I take this time to let him know if it has been “one of those days”.  This way he knows that when he gets home I am going to need a little ME time by either taking a walk or going to the store to get something on the to do list.  As soon as he hits the door he takes over for a little bit to help me out and let me get a re-charge.

• I keep a play list of things to do with the baby so he can easily see what we have or have not done that day and can find an item that he wants to do – without needing to ask me.  I also keep a food chart so that he knows where she is on the food schedule and he can just feed her without questions.

• We keep a list of things that is going on that week.  Since my husband has evening school that he does I let him know in advance if I need to work on a blog posting, sewing, shop needs so that we can alternate nights to make sure that everything gets done when it needs to.

• We talk about important items when she goes to sleep.  This way we are not interrupted in our discussion and have some time to really dig on the issues that we need to and make whatever decisions we need to.

Remember a healthy home is the most important thing for your child.  Which means you need a healthy relationship with your spouse.  Will you have a better relationship if you work than stay at home?  Or will it be better if you stay at home and don't work?  Only the two of you will have the answer to this.

If you missed the previous posts from this series you can check them out below:

Be a SAHM??? - The Series - Is it a choice?
Be a SAHM??? - The Series - Guilt by association
Be a SAHM??? - The Series - The Financials
Be a SAHM??? - The Series - The Everyday

Be a SAHM???-The Series - The Everyday

So here is the next part in the evaluation process of being a SAHM.  I hope you are enjoying the series so far and finding the information useful when making your decision.  

If you like repetitive things that you do over and over again-well then you are in luck!  Having your full time work now at home you will find repetition is now a big portion of your new duties as a SAHM.  Since I am a new SAHM with a baby that is now 5 months old I have determined that my duties changed at around the 3 month mark.

The first 3 months are really your child eating and sleeping with a million diaper changes in between.  You will literally not have extended periods of sleep.  The first month was centered around trying to adjust to our child’s schedule as she started the huge process of development.  During this time you really just sleep when you can and the rest of the time goes to the attention of your little one.  A lot of things tend to go by the wayside during this time.  Exhaustion makes you less likely to cook your meals, have quality time with your spouse, focus on projects that you are working on and housework is when you have two seconds.  There is not really a lot of downtime during this period because you are enjoying your new little one and freaking out about if your child is meeting requirements for weight/health/feeding/number of diapers, etc.  Oh and that age old advice of sleep when they sleep—well that didn’t work for me.  In fact, I don’t know if I have actually met anyone that used that advice.

After the first three months though, things began to change for us.  Feedings became fewer but higher in amount per feeding.  Sleeping became longer with naps starting to take place-and for the lucky-your baby could start sleeping through the night, or only needing 1 feeding during the night.  Every child is different.  Some parents that I have met with 6 month old children still do not sleep all the way through the night or don’t take naps during the day.  The combinations are endless and the only one that can dictate it is your baby.  Trying to enforce scheduling with your child will be just about impossible and once a routine is kind of present-it will change.  So don’t get too comfortable when things seem to have been figured out!

The first sign of routine

So now my job duties have changed.  After we made the move and my husband started his new job-well it finally hit at the 4 month mark that this was my new full time responsibility.  With Baby Bella sleeping for naps, I tried to keep my days filled-but found a lot of time with nothing to do.  The way that my house worked prior to now and after the 3 month mark was this-

I woke up with her.  Then it was change diaper, feeding and then she went down for alone playtime on her jungle gym play mat.  While she played this was my time to vacuum the carpets, clean the kitchen, start the laundry and then clean the bathroom.  Now that may sound like a lot-but it isn’t when you are doing this a couple of times a day-everyday.  So this time went by quick-like ½ hour to 45 minutes.

Then it was time to change her diaper-and bath time.  I do bath time in the morning-not evening-personal preference.  Once bath time was done and she was lotion up, ears cleaned and new clothes for the day-then it was feeding time again.  Once feeding time was done-she went down for a nap.

During her first nap time was when I got to take a shower, take the dog outside, continue laundry, and pick up anything that I could/clean what I could until she woke up.

This process pretty much continues with the same outcome only adding story time, walks (sometime’s 2 a day to get out of the house), interactive play time with me.  Lunch time for me is eating and prepping dinner.  You do this until it is time for your little one to go to bed.

In the start there are only so many things that you can do-and it can leave you ready to scream because you want interaction from people, something different to talk about when your spouse gets home, etc.  The older they get, the more you can add to the day filling it up with things other than the everyday hum of your new job.

However, now you have certain expectations from your spouse-and the two of you should talk about this.  My husband does the grocery shopping (from a list that I prepare), takes out the trash, gets the dog to the groomer and makes sure that the cars are up to date on oil changes, etc.

I am responsible for the following (outside of raising our child):

•        House inventory for food, personal care items, baby needs-creating lists for him for items to pick up
•       Financials-I keep on track with this, pay bills, set forecast and send him updates via email
• ·   Majority of house keeping-laundry, floors, dishes, etc, etc
• ·   Calendar of events-keeping him posted on our schedule and his
• ·   Doctors appointments-he comes when he can, but I am responsible for scheduling these and getting her there
• ·   Product research-for items we need for baby-so that we can make decisions together
• ·   Meals
• ·    Home organization

So for the house itself-that would be me.  As wonderful as it is to be able to be at home with my little one, doing laundry all day every day makes me feel like my head is in its own spin cycle.  I hate doing laundry and dishes.  I have never liked them and before we would share this task-but now we don’t.

Our now

So now we are doing about 2 naps a day each ranging from a ½ hour to 2 hours per nap and she sleeps during the night.  However play time is very different for her.  We had to take apart her play gym because it had become a safety issue and now she wants to either stand up or sit-both requiring hands on time for her safety.  We have incorporated an outside activity which is “My-Gym” for her which she loves and we are about to sign her up for a 20 minute swim class that she will go to once a week.  We have more reading time/educational time together now-which makes for a more interesting play time session for me!  We also try to get out for a play date.  This is all great to help break things up-but it also takes away from the everyday things that have to get done.  I am finding myself with little time during the day to get everything done and try to spend quality time with my husband.  I am always waiting until after 10-which is when my husband goes to bed and the baby is asleep-so that I can celebrate the silence.  This is the time that I get to draft my blogs, read a book, watch a recorded show, etc.

However-I will say that at least once a week I have an overwhelming need to scream and get away from it all.  The crying,  house, dog-and yes-my husband.  You will find that you are now a reactionary-aiding the needs of your child-and your husband and have little time for yourself to clear your head.  Due to the fact that I needed to have something else to do other than what I was doing, I have continued to work with my mom building her web presence, book-keeping and appointments.  I also started this blog which also takes some planning and time to maintain.  Add to the mix items that I am sewing to sell-well my cup is officially FULL! 

Mental Insanity

I find it hard for me now to carry conversations that have to do with things other than motherhood.  I mean really at this stage in the game-you wait for milestones, but how many diapers you changed today is not really a topic that people want to talk about!  I talk to myself a lot.  I do talk to Baby Bella, but since it is a one way discussion-I am truly having a full conversation in my own voice out of my own head.  Her toys that make music/sound get stuck in my head-and I am sorry but it can be really annoying for my hubby to hear me singing “Feel the salsa rhythm, from your head to your toes, dance to the beat-of the bongo!” so many times before he is telling me that I am insane and I need to get out of the house.  There are days when I feel like I can’t do the laundry one more time, can’t unload the dishwasher one more time, wash one more bottle before I am going to go insane.  After an exhausting day of being spit up on, diaper changes, crying, etc it can be difficult to be the bouncy happy housewife for my husband.  Some days I long for the chaos of the job that I had prior and then feel guilty for feeling that way.  Staying at home can take a toll on you-and your marriage if you aren’t careful!

The Reward

If you are a type of person that needs to be able to measure your success or something that lets you know that what you are doing is great for you and your family.  Being a SAHM may not be a good idea.  There is no one that is going to say “you did a GREAT job keeping the diaper genie empty today!” or “The play time that you had with Baby Bella was incredible!”  In fact-just being a parent in general doesn’t have anything that lets you know you are doing a good job.  You can do so many things-but the true fact is that your child is going to develop the way that they are programmed to.  You can expose your child to things and try teaching them new things-but the ability to grasp that knowledge is all determined by your little one.  There isn’t a bonus that you get at the end of the year for being a SAHM that you get because you kept the house clean and the household running.  You have to be willing to do your SAHM job without recognition and be happy with that.

Now on the flip side, there is a high reward of being a SAHM that you get.  It is knowing that you are running the house 100% making sure that everything runs smoothly.  Being able to be the primary person interacting with your child, having those special times during the day for just the two of you.  I get to watch her everyday grow as a little person and be amazed by her.  I can’t express how much it means to me that I get this special time with her now-because it goes by so quickly.

Your thoughts

So knowing your personality-what do you think is the best option for you?  I cannot stress that dependant on your family it may make for a happier baby and husband if you work.  On the flip side-it can be just the opposite.  You may be so unhappy that you are not at home that it could put stress on your baby and your husband.  This decision can only be made by you and your spouse-but since you are the one that will be the one at home-ultimately you need to be happy with the decision that you make.  Remember-you can always go back to work-or plan so that you can stay at home!  Your baby is not going to remember the first couple of years of life.  You will though-so you need to be happy with the choices that you make.

I know that a lot of what I posted could be looked at in a negative way.  I do get tired of being home all the time.  I am constantly looking for ways to flip my days into something else.  

HOWEVER-I am happy with our decision for me to stay at home.  I am enjoying this time with my little one-and it is time that I will never get back.  This is the time when your baby looks at you and smiles and likes your interaction.  When Baby Bella hits middle school and high school-well it will be a different story.  I enjoy seeing her all day and trying to help her learn new skills and being captivated by the smallest of things as she tries to figure out what everything is.  When she smiles-it lights up my world and if I was at work-I know that I would miss her too much at this age to be able to function properly in my role at a job.  

Here are the previous posts from the series:

Be A SAHM??? - Is it a choice? 

Be A SAHM??? - Guilt By Association 

Be A SAHM??? - The Financials