It is funny how being a new mother can change a person. Your whole life changes and now you have this new bundle of joy/bundles of joy and life that you once knew is over. One of the most fascinating things that I have noticed is how new mommies interact with people.
I have found myself when talking to people-friends, people that have children, people that don’t, family-etc. My new area of discussion centers around Baby Bella. What she is doing, how cute she is-you name it. I find myself in awe every time I see a child out in public, or in the home environment and watching how the parent/parents interact with their children. The new mommy likes to know what is going on, when babies did certain milestones and compare notes along the way. We all seem to have some type of predetermined way that we are doing things with our children (all different from everyone else in subtle ways) and the new mommy can find herself in some really strange situations when it comes to other mothers.
Case in point-I was at My Gym yesterday with Baby Bella. We talked about bath time while in a circle and as it turns out-no two bath times were alike. Does that mean that someone’s bath time routine is better that someone elses? No, it just goes to show that we all do different things and those things work for us. But what is it about the new Mommy that makes us look at the other ways and go “Well, I like my way better!”
I think it goes to a couple of things. First let me say that as a new parent you are a PROUD parent. We would all like to think that because of the trial and error that we go through to make something work-that we have all become experts on that PARTICULAR item. So now, in a real effort to want to help those that are struggling…we want to share those things that work for us. The only problem is that the way that we found works for us-but really may never work on someone else’s child. Even if someone isn’t struggling, but doing something different than the way we are-we want to let them know what we do so that they can do it the same way too? A friend brought up the fact that new mommies are in-secure since it is a whole new world to us. Are we trying to validate what it is that we are doing so we don’t feel like the black sheep?
In a phone conversation that I was having with a friend that does not have children, I found myself talking about how “advanced” I felt Baby Bella was, which of course has only been fueled by my doctor’s visits as well saying that she is a couple of months ahead of the power curve with motor skills and muscle development. In the conversation, my friend kind of laughed and said “yeah….” Then it came up later in the conversation that she said “Really, every parent is proud-and every parent thinks that their baby is doing well in everything. Have you ever heard someone say-my baby is so far behind in everything, or my baby seems to be as dumb as a rock?!” Now someone that has a sick child with whatever disability, etc-may have conversations when they are concerned that their child will reach their milestones-but for the baby that is just a healthy baby with no issues-you don’t ever hear about anything other than how great they are. After the phone conversation I took a step back and realized that yes-I myself had become the bragging mother. Has that stopped me from being proud of my little one and talking about her in high regard? No it hasn’t. However, what I have found is that I leave most of those conversations with my husband. When with other children and new mommies I find myself trying to be more supportive of how they are doing things and appreciating our differences. For the new mother though-you can often find yourself with foot in mouth moments.
For the new mommy there is nothing wrong with being proud of your child. Perhaps something that we could all be conscious of is that instead of stating what we think other people should do-we should ask a crucial question before we start our conversation of what we do and that is “Does that work for you?” If it does work for them, then do we really need to share how we do things? Now if a mother is frustrated and seeking guidance-perhaps we should share our pitfalls and what works, but chances are this frustrated mother has tried the same things we did. So what can we do? I think the answer is listen.
All of us had different childhoods, we had different up-bringings, rules, and even the way that we interact with our parents will be different from the way that someone else does. It would be of no surprise that the things we thought worked for us we try to incorporate into our own children-and the things that we didn’t think work we try to stay away from, but even those things could end up being a part of how we bring up our children.
Case in point, my parents swore they would never spank a child. They tried really hard to uphold this, but after an afternoon where I had picked up a broken antenna and started chasing after a neighbors kid with it trying to hit them with it-my parents felt like the only way to teach me the severity of what I was doing was to give me a spank. Now let me state that my parents didn’t beat me and a social worker should have come to the house. It was really no more than a soft little swat on the bottom-but it was enough to make me know it was wrong-and I never did that again. Does it mean that they were wrong to break their rule on no spanking? Could it have been handled another way? Really, none of that matters. They were trying to raise a child-knowing that someday this child would be in society as an adult and needed to know that hurting others physically had consequences.
A friend of mine gives her children choices and options of them choosing to get the task done. The first time I saw this, I was in awe of her patience and tone as she spoke to her children. The choices/options never are to do something different than what they are supposed to do-but give them a choice on how they want to get there. For instance, we were going on a walk and one of her twins didn’t want to get into the wagon. She didn’t say “okay would you rather go inside and play, or do you want to stay outside and play in the yard?” Instead it was “Do you want to skip, run, or hop to the wagon?” In amazement the little girl was thinking about what her mother was saying, and in the end we went on a wagon ride. The mom said “I don’t care at the end of the day how she gets into the wagon, just as long as she does it-and I don’t want to fight her about it.” This way of doing things is totally opposite of how I was raised-but I see the value in it and it could be something that I try when Baby Bella gets older. I think that any way that you can have your children do what they are supposed to do-without a fight/tears etc only makes for a better day for mommy and children. Going back to my point though, because I was raised with “No means no!” doesn’t mean that another way, like my friend is a wrong way because it is different. We can all think we will do things a certain way, but until we are there who knows what will happen. Plus she is in a whole other ballgame because she has 2 kids the same age-so it is a very different life than a 1 child mommy. I give her mad props for staying sane and getting what she needs done!
Should you dictate how proud you are of your child and your accomplishments with them? No, be proud-you deserve it! Perhaps though we could be a little more humble and a little more supportive of each-other. Please note that I count myself in this. Instead of putting in our two cents unless asked we can just say “That’s great!” Children advance at all different levels and times on different things. When someone says “my baby just rolled over!”, perhaps we should just say-that is great! Instead of, how cute-my baby did that at x time. Do you remember how excited you were when this happened to you and your baby? Why would you inadvertently take that away from another mother. I will state AGAIN that raising children is not a competition, they are not here to validate that you are a good parent. Be confident for you and your child. If your child isn’t doing something that another child is doing, or anything else, it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong. Your baby is your baby. Be proud of your baby and be proud of the work that you do with your child. Own it, be proud of it, but lets not try to force everyone else to what we are doing, and rejoice in others efforts instead of getting into the “well my baby does/did this……..”
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