So I took a break from the posts because I had a lot going on and for lack of better reason just really needed to get organized. I thought a lot about why I started the blog in the first place and what it means to me-and now I am back. The break although small in duration had a lot of things happen on the baby front. We attempted swim classes, started second foods and I can see teeth trying to emerge from my little one’s gum line. Also during this time, my husband is starting his last semester for his Master’s program, he had a gout attack and things with my stuff started to get busy.
With everything going on and the craziness, this week I started off fired up and ready to go. Monday everything was going well, I got some housework done that was long overdue-the endless laundry pile had finally been conquered; I got project lists setup and to-do for the week all ready to go. Then Monday night hit. My husband walked in the door - frantic with work he needed to get done and one of his classes found out that a paper they thought was due Friday was due by midnight. With his group on the East Coast, this left little time and add drama and lack of organization to the mix and we knew it was going to be difficult.
I hit a panic. The call that they do is through a WebEx and with us being in a one bedroom and the living room really being the only place I can play with Isabella-it also serves as our office. I knew that it was going to be high stress trying to keep the dog and baby as quite as possible and even the microwave warming up a bottle is too loud. I felt this deep sorrow that I had no where that I could just take Isabella that was setup for her and without knowing how many hours to be gone and that I had spent my entire energy on the day I suddenly got exhausted and missing my mother.
So I took Isabella to target since I needed to get formula anyway and wandered up and down the isle’s to kill time. She ended up falling asleep-which was a disaster because it was so close to bedtime. We lasted an hour and a half out at the store and then I brought us back. The rest of the night was trying to keep her in the bedroom with story time with the dog and trying to be as quiet as possible. Due to the fact that she slept in target, she didn’t want to go down for bed and by the time it was all said and done I was frustrated with our living space, upset that I didn’t get to go out for a run for some alone time and although I hate to admit this-was frustrated that my husband didn’t have any Isabella time for the day.
When I woke up today, it was stormy and cold outside. I looked around the house and although I have a ton of things to get done I really didn’t end up doing anything that I needed to. When baby Bella went down for her first nap I tried getting out my sewing machine to sew, but ended up turning it off and going and sitting on the couch-TV off, music off and dealing with a bad case of Mommy Blues.
So what are the Mommy Blues about? Why do they creep up on you and take hold? When baby Bella woke back up again we had a great play time together, I felt better and then when she went back down again – same thing. Now this is not an everyday thing. It just happens every once in a while. Luckily I have 2 great friends that I was able to text with today and not feel so alone. Maybe I spend too much of my day with my baby being my entire focus, or maybe I don’t spend enough time with her being my entire focus. Maybe I need to get out of the house more or maybe I do get out of the house enough. With the new job of parent I don’t think that I will ever know the answers to any of this.
I find myself frustrated and annoyed with everything including myself. I know this will pass, but hate that it even happens.
I questioned so many things today, if I needed to be a SAHM, maybe I should focus less on other things and more on my baby. The list goes on and on. Maybe there is something that is even deeper that I don’t acknowledge. OR maybe I am just tired. Who knows????????
Anyways, there really isn’t a point to this post other than how I was feeling today…but maybe that is why my real mother story is and maybe that needs to be shared so that if another mom is feeling the same way…she knows she isn’t alone.
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